Why I Rarely Focus on "Coping Strategies" with Clients in Therapy

Most people seeking out therapy are suffering in some way and naturally want relief. They may feel trapped in behaviors or interpersonal patterns that are wreaking havoc on their lives. Oftentimes people are aware that these are ways of managing emotional distress, but feel trapped in them all the same. “I want better ways to cope” is a common and understandable reason for seeking out therapy that I hear often. During consultations I will ask people, “what if I could help you resolve the source of your emotional distress instead?” Regularly that idea is met with intrigue and comments like “we can do that!?” Hell yes, we can.

But what about in the meantime? Surely the kind of internal resolution I am talking about takes time, don’t people need ways to cope until then? It’s not that there is no merit to having a tool box of helpful coping strategies. We all need ways of managing the day to day stress of life. Other times, we can get so emotionally activated or distressed that we can't do anything else until we get more regulated. So there’s a time and place for employing coping strategies and the point of this article is not to dissuade from all use of them. However, I don’t find that it is useful to focus on them a lot in therapy for the following reasons.

Information about helpful coping strategies is widely accessible

Many people are already familiar with many coping strategies and there is a plethora of free resources and videos out there for those looking to learn about more options. I frankly don’t want to take peoples' money for something that they can access for free. I do understand that sorting through mountains of websites and videos can be overwhelming and it may be more accessible for some to ask their therapist to distill down and share the most effective strategies. If I’m asked for suggestions I’m happy to give them but it’s not a cornerstone of the work I do with people.

Coping ≠ Resolution

For the purposes of this article, when referring to “coping strategies” I mean strategies used to reduce unpleasant or unwanted emotions or distress. If we respond to every instance of emotional discomfort or pain with a strategy meant to distract from

or reduce that discomfort, we aren’t achieving any kind of inner processing or resolution. You can do all the relaxation and breathing techniques, grounding strategies or positive affirmations, and while you may get relief in the moment, the distress or pain is likely to come back again and again if the root is not addressed. A client of mine who has a wide range of coping strategies in their tool box recently said to me, "they work in the moment but I'm tired of having to cope all the time!" These kinds of coping strategies are largely a band-aid and while band-aids are of course necessary at times, my mission as a therapist is ultimately to heal the wound.

Befriending our protective parts

When we endure painful or frightening experiences that disrupt or violate our sense of safety, security, and connection (and therefore our survival), that can result in an emotional wound. The pain of the injury may be so overwhelming and debilitating that our psyche can organize around preventing the pain from surfacing or stopping it once it inevitably does. We may develop hypervigilant or catastrophizing parts that look out for danger and prevent feelings of helplessness, hopeless parts that try to prevent disappointment, or self critical and perfectionist parts that want to prevent the pain of shame or rejection. When the pain of those buried wounds surfaces despite the best efforts of those day to day “manager” parts as they are called in Internal Family Systems therapy, our “firefighters” may step in to stop the pain. These tend to be more extreme in their methods, such as self harming, suicidal ideation, substance use, binging or purging, or dissociating. Both manager and firefighter parts are often overworked and misunderstood. We tend to judge them and fear them, flagging them as malfunctions or threats.

When I guide clients in turning towards these parts of themselves with curiosity, the parts reveal that they are trying desperately to protect and help the person stay safe and avoid unbearable or life threatening experiences. Rather than being malfunctions, they make a lot of sense in the context of our life experiences. Through this work of developing a relationship with our protective parts we can access self compassion for them and they in turn become more willing to listen and cooperate with us. They will also eventually reveal the deeper pain that needs healing and give permission to access it for processing and release. This is the power of turning towards and being with our most difficult thoughts, feelings and urges rather than using strategies to distract from or reduce them.

The wisdom of our deepest pain

In my own personal experiences as a client in therapy, there have been times when having standard coping strategies like breathing suggested by a therapist when I’ve shared about deep rooted emotional pain has felt very invalidating. I wanted to scream “don’t you get it, no amount of breathing can fix this and undo the awful things I’ve experienced!” To the parts of me carrying the pain of my most traumatic experiences, it felt dismissive, like the deepest pain I was carrying was inconvenient and I was being asked to minimize it. But the parts of me carrying the deepest wounds had something important to say and needed to be heard and understood.

Another model I draw from, Emotion-Focused therapy, views emotion as an innately adaptive system that

has evolved to help us survive and thrive by rapidly alerting us to situations important to our well-being and preparing and guiding us to take action towards meeting our needs. When we experience something that threatens our safety and well-being, our immediate emotional response works to help us get our needs met. However, when the experience is particularly distressing and meaning-laden, and when the need is never met, there is no resolution and part of us may get stuck in that painful emotional state long after the event. This would be akin to the "wound" in the Internal Family Systems model I spoke of previously.

To achieve resolution requires us to turn towards and allow this pain to be experienced so we can understand and meet the unmet need. Our deepest pain truly has something very important to say, and the only way out of the pain is through. This is at the heart of why I rarely focus on coping strategies meant to reduce unpleasant or painful emotions and instead teach people a new way of relating to and listening to their pain.

Some words on transparency and the limitations of this article:

The approaches I am largely drawing from here are Internal Family Systems and Emotion-Focused Therapy. The scope of this article is not to provide a complete explanation of these or any other models, nor is it a comprehensive or complete explanation of the psychological impacts of painful life events and trauma and the many different ways humans can experience them. This is not meant to be a one size fits all approach, this is just what I have found to be the most powerful for my own healing and for my client base.